Thinking too hard

If I make myself think about something really hard, my brain will latch onto the little nugget at the center of that thing I'm thinking about and it'll convince my body of the complete truth of that thing and then I'll feel as if that thing is happening. Like my own eventual death. If I think very hard about my own death, I can kind of convince myself of my mortality. That's not an easy thing to do. We're flip about our death. We say, "I'll die someday. Everyone dies." But everyone is not us. They're everyone else. Holding onto the idea of your death is difficult. It's slippery and you want to let it go because of how overwhelming it is. When I finally can't think about it anymore, when it feels like my chest is being pulled apart by cold wisps of air with fingerless clutches, I think about mailing netflix or that sound the elliptical machine makes when my cool-down is done or the way that no one ever cleans out the microwave in the employee lounge. These things are concrete and have been given an arbitrary sense of weightyness. And that can be reassuring.